Today's jokes [9.19.12]

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Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You
want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small
boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Why do blondes drive BMWs?

     Because they can spell it. 

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After
a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first 
saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a 
me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here 
lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a 
my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no 
lickety split!"

A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when 
they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out 
of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd 
then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed. 
The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it 
no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the 
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you," he 
said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell
me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, 
"Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of 
canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so 
I don't break an axle".

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