Today's jokes [9.17.12]
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The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."
The Australian liberal party announced today that they are
changing their emblem to a condom
because it more clearly reflects their party's
political stance :
A condom stands up to inflation,
protects a bunch of dicks,
and gives one a sense of security while
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,
"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,
"You know, you're right!"
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last
test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed
up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by
the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing
and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard ask:
"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out
of a ghost."
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the
rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why
did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that
gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same
jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old
long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The
United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war
chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with
it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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