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Today's jokes [9.16.12]

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(This joke requires the use a small visual.  I'll describe the visual
first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)   
Visual:  Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also
stretched wide open.
Joke:  Why did the blonde want to date Jesus?  She heard he was (use
visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!

1. 




This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.
The lawyer asked, "How long are you having a sexual relationship?" "Years,
I tell you years" she replied. " Thats no answer, you have to specify how
long has he intimated with you." "I don't know exactly, its average, about
six inches"

2. 




What do you call a gay bar that has no chairs?

- A fruit stand. 

3. 




Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil 
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English 
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the 
other students there. After he had been there a month, his 
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of 
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she 
asked. 

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The 
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't 
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all 
night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful 
noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here 
quietly, playing my bagpipes."

4. 




A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the 
car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice 
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really
indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are 
glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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