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Today's jokes [9.15.12]

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Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear... 

1. 




At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young 
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and 
everything.

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his 
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of 
the fork are you referring to?'

2. 




An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles
into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the
receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination
bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his
penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty.
"Holy shit, lady!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you had
a minimum!"

3. 




Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I
am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I
am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am
the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is
Bill Clinton?" 

4. 




Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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