Today's jokes [8.8.12]
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On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close
to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a
dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed
with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the
wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"
I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in
the United States
each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack
or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband
will surely die".
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
with household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
"So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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