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Today's jokes [8.6.12]

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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in 
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in 
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she 
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she 
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. 

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the 
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In 
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. 

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining 
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited 
for three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he 
replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental 
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land 
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 
recreational area."

1. 




   A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl
   in her full glory.
   
   He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big
   gash between mommy's legs?"
   
   The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!"
   
   The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the cunt!"
   


2. 




I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of 
each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. 
My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to 
see what flavour i was wearing.
The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",
The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",
The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour",
and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"
"Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"

3. 




Four married guys go golfing.  During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend.  I had to promise my wife that I will paint every 
room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy:  "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy:  "Man, you both have it easy!  I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.  So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what 
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy:  "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut 
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'  
So she says, "Wear your sweater."

4. 




A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. 
During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much 
about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After 
the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much 
about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. 

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when 
they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in 
half!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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