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Today's jokes [8.5.12]

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Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up? 

     He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change. 

1. 




If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

2. 




Temperatures and What They Mean



     40     Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

     35     Italian cars don't start.

     32     Water freezes.
 
     30     You can see your breath.  Politicians begin to worry about the
            Homeless.

     25     Boston water freezes.
            Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

     20     Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream.
            You can hear your breath.

     15     N.Y. City water freezes.
            Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

     12     You plan a vacation to Mexico.

     10     Too cold to snow

      5     You need jumper cables to get the car going.
            Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

      3     You plan a vacation in Houston.

      0     Too cold to skate.
            American cars don't start.

     -5     You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

    -10     Too cold to think.
            Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

    -15     Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
            You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

    -20     You plan a 2-week hot bath.

    -25     The mighty Monongahela freezes.
            Japanese cars don't start.

    -30     Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...

    Below -30     The kids call home from college.
                  
                  End of the world...



3. 




What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang 
                    bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop?

                    An 'Amish' drive-by shooting

4. 




An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked 
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her 
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex 
again -- the strain would be too much. 
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny 
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs 
on the couch to guard against temptation. 
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other 
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. 
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. 
"I was about to commit suicide." 
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming 
upstairs to kill you!" 


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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