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Today's jokes [8.31.12]

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Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment 
and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "You haven't changed a bit" 

1. 




The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class 
was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe 
properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at 
this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is 
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the 
time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised 
his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

2. 




   An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
   
   u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
   have a bit of a problem with your husband."
   
   wife.. "What's wrong?"
   
   u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
   Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and,
   basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
   
   wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
   
   u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
   standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
   
   wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
   problem which is a little less expensive?"
   
   The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
   
   u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
   
   wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
   bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
   
   u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his
   rectum."
   
   wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
   want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
   
   u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
   
   Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
   shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
   the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
   look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
   him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
   the last time.
   
   She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
   goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
   out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
   to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
   herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
   hurts, doesn't it?"
   


3. 




How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? 

     Who cares? 

4. 




Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else 
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the 
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE 
DAYS before they figured it OUT. 

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs 
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light 
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to 
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! 
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT 
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! 

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER 
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP 
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. 

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did 
you ask me?

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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