Today's jokes [8.31.12]
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Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment
and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "You haven't changed a bit"
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class
was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe
properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
have a bit of a problem with your husband."
wife.. "What's wrong?"
u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and,
basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
problem which is a little less expensive?"
The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his
wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
the last time.
She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
hurts, doesn't it?"
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.
THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did
you ask me?
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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