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Today's jokes [8.28.12]

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Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you 
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way 

"No," says Carlos. 
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang 
almost to her knees?" 

"No," says Carlos. 

"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so 
mucho grande?" 

"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. 

"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing 
my wife?"


    How Smart Are You?
   20 Correct - Genius
   17 Correct - Above Normal
   15 Correct - Normal
   8 Correct - Nincompoop
   6 Correct - Moron
   3 Correct - Idiot
   1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
   2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
   3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
   4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
   but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
   5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
   6. How many outs are there in an inning?
   7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
   8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
   of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
   9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
   10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
   exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
   11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
   12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
   are the coins?
   13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
   was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
   one would you light first?
   14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
   15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
   hour. How long would the pills last?
   16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
   17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
   18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
   19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
   20. What was the President's name in 1950?
   ****************** Answers ****************
   1. Yes
   2. One
   3. All of them (12)
   4. The beggar is her sister.
   5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
   6. 6
   7. No - because he is dead.
   8. They aren't playing each other.
   9. 70
   10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
   11. 2
   12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
   13. The match.
   14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
   15. 1 Hour
   16. 9
   17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
   18. Meat
   19. 12
   20. Same as it is now.


Two neighbors had been fighting each other for
nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and
teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. 

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the
bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a
half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being
ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
of Bill's house. 

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly. 


A Modest Essay 


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have 
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more 
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for 
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot 
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a 
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly 
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious 
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the 
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large 
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, 
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. 
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I 
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have 
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I 
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international 
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I 
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and 
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the 
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed 
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do 
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully 
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The 
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On 
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years 
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have 
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster 
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, 
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. 
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have 
spoken with Elvis. 

But I have not yet gone to college. 


A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were
shipwrecked on an island.  One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut
tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" 
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed
down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the
same thing.  Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for
himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.  The husband
says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making
love down there!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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