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Today's jokes [8.27.12]

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A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets
to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a
bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:
"Sir! Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it 
headed?"

1. 




Biology Class

   In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
   levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and
   asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as
   in sugar
   in male semen?"
   "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical
   info.
   Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
   sweet?"
   After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
   girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she
   had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
   without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.
   However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was
   classic....
   Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste
   sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
   tongue and not the back of your throat."


2. 




I can't resist a few:

1. Once you have stolen a dormmate's room keys, the room is yours to
   plunder.  As a variation, steal the dorm keys but reverse the lock
   (so the keyhole faces INTO the room); we had a mechanical engineer
   who got this down to about 20 seconds.  Then loudly announce to the
   victim you own the keys, but "let" them win the race back to their
   room.  PRESTO!  Locked inside their own room (with no keys).  If
   you've fixed the phone to continually ring, they get very pliable
   after about 10 minutes.

2. We connected our secretary's electric typewriter to a variac (can
   vary the line voltage).  At about 40-50 volts (out of the 110)
   the little ball makes three or four jerky attempts before finally
   striking a faint imprint.  Fairly pathetic looking, actually.

3. Reverse the horizontal yoke leads on terminals (so the text comes
   out backwards from right to left).  This works best on a software
   team who thinks they have just released the firmware for screen
   drivers.  Besides, hardware people figure it out too quickly.

4. Hand lotion inside of an air hose on the final assembly line is
   effective, but very vindictive.  Use with caution (now, I'm not
   saying I ever did this, but I "saw" it done once :-)

And the standard saran wrap across women's toilets, Karo syrup, flour in
the shower, water-filled surgical tubing jammed in a drawer....ah, for
the good old days!!



3. 




Richard Olivier, the son of Sir Laurence Olivier and Joan Plowright
was only a little boy when, on the front at Brighton, he was
confronted by the sight of two dogs mating. The lad turned to Noel
Coward, who was the Olivier's house guest, and said, "What are they
doing, Uncle Noel?"
"The one in front is blind." said Coward unpeturbed, "and the one
behind is being very very sweet and pushing him all the way to
St. Dunstan's." 

4. 




One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom 
asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning 
about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At 
least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up 
to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his 
room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and 
sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're 
done with your homework, supper's on the table."



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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