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Today's jokes [8.23.12]

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What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine? 

     They both leak when they're fucked! 

1. 




"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the 
heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and 
decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.  As 
we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed 
a little sign by the side of the track.  I tried
to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make 
it out.  I was so curious that I decided to go round 
again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see 
what the sign said.  By now, I was determined to read 
that sign so I went round a third time.  As we reached 
the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" 
asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

2. 




    A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where
   they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting
   time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He
   quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly
   line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they
   started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
   because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to
   find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part
   but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination
   showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in
   the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his
   laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll
   Two----Test----Tickles."


3. 




   A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The
   marine finishes first and
   washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine
   says to him: hey, in the
   marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The
   sailor says: yeah well, in
   the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
   


4. 




A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental 
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.
He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a 
good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."
One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to 
fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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