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Today's jokes [8.22.12]

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Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
   who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
   weeks leave in which to get married.
   
   "But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get
   married then ?"
   
   "What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.


1. 




Seminars for Men



                               COURSE 001      Combating Stupidity
                            COURSE 002      You Too Can Do Housework
                    COURSE 003      PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
                             COURSE 004      How To Fill An Ice Tray
                 COURSE 005      We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

          COURSE 006      Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
          COURSE 007      Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
                   COURSE 008      Parenting:  It Doesn't End With Conception
                           COURSE 009      Get A Life:  Learn To Cook
           COURSE 010      How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong

                         COURSE 011      Understanding Your Incompetence
                              COURSE 012      YOU:  The Weaker Sex
                             COURSE 013      Reasons To Give Flowers
                           COURSE 014      How To Stay Awake After Sex
           COURSE 015      SEX 101:  You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

            COURSE 016      SEX 102:  Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
                         COURSE 017      How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
                 COURSE 018      The Remote Control:  Overcoming Your Dependency
                    COURSE 019      How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
                       COURSE 020      You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

           COURSE 021      Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
             COURSE 022      The Obtainable Goal:  Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
               COURSE 023      Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
                            COURSE 024      Patronizing Does Not Work
                    COURSE 025      Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On

                           Course 026      Real Men Ask For Directions




                                                         FOR COUNSELING
                                                                CALL
                                                         1-CHA-UVI-NIST



2. 




A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their
wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new
groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can
that be? You've been married twice..."

The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a
psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath,
she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do
was............. Oh God, I miss him!"

3. 




A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every 
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round 
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is 
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, 
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they 
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close 
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift 
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly 
enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's 
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself 
so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd 
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated 
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her 
appreciation... 

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests 
they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and 
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they 
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and 
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at 
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her 
appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. 
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the 
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he 
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner 
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of 
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. 

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to 
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she 
admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to 
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. 
"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating 
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

4. 




WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn 
public support away from the president, congress today 
announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated 
documents and videotapes on Monday.

Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this 
morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents 
from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the 
president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal 
of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. 

On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President 
Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, 
Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with 
them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, 'Meat 
is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also 
release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a 
litter of small kittens."

A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a 
slight rise in the president's approval rating.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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