Today's jokes [8.22.12]
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Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
weeks leave in which to get married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get
married then ?"
"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.
Seminars for Men
COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity
COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework
COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray
COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook
COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence
COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex
COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers
COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex
COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work
COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On
Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions
A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their
wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new
groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can
that be? You've been married twice..."
The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a
psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath,
she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do
was............. Oh God, I miss him!"
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact,
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself
so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests
they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she
admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn
public support away from the president, congress today
announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated
documents and videotapes on Monday.
Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this
morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents
from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the
president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal
of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections.
On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President
Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler,
Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with
them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, 'Meat
is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also
release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a
litter of small kittens."
A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a
slight rise in the president's approval rating.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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