Today's jokes [8.21.12]
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Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
introduced me to so charming a wife."
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
if you would pin this on your white meat."
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
doesn't deserve to have any."
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
"Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
added, "And he didn't understand me."
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
but not in the House."
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
Government -- $40,000."
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is
there a male pharmacist available?"
"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both
pharmacists. How can we help you?"
The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge
in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days
now, can you give me anything for it?"
"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."
Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and
a half interest in the pharmacy."
What's sicker than sick?
masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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