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Today's jokes [8.21.12]

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    Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
   times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
   shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
   said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
   introduced me to so charming a wife."
   During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
   luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
   second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
   "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
   white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
   The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
   guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
   if you would pin this on your white meat."
   Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
   handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
   is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
   doesn't deserve to have any."
   James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
   his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
   later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
   German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
   "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
   added, "And he didn't understand me."
   Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
   pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
   sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
   more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
   hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
   leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
   Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
   got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
   circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
   his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
   "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
   but not in the House."
   Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
   to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
   unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
   the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
   Government -- $40,000."
   Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
   what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
   come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"


Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.


   A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is
   there a male pharmacist available?"
   "No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both
   pharmacists. How can we help you?"
   The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge
   in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days
   now, can you give me anything for it?"
   "Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."
   Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and
   a half interest in the pharmacy."


What's sicker than sick?

masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....


A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
   falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
   and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
   the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
   Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
   then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
   drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
   A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
   again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
   the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
   think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
   the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
   the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
   The moral of the story:
   If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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