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Today's jokes [8.19.12]

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When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a
demagogue.
        When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.
        When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear
annihilation.
        When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had nothing to do with it.
        Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...
        ...what kind of fool am I?
        --Jules Feiffer

1. 




Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get 
close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I 
get sick to my stomach.
Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.
Patient sticks out his tongue...



2. 




Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a 
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. 
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a
guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." 
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. 
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" 
"Absolutely not," he said. 
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." 
"Season's more than half over," he said.

3. 




   A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
   while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up
   on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
   swallows it whole.
   
   The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
   monkey just did?"
   
   "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
   
   "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
   the bartender.
   
   "Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me
   nuts" says the patron.
   
   The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
   
   Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and
   the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
   drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs
   one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The
   bartender is disgusted.
   
   "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
   
   "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass,
   then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
   
   "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate
   that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
   


4. 




What do you call a blonde that just came out of the closet?

The Hide and Seek champion of 1992.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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