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Today's jokes [8.17.12]

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A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a
theater patron during his show.  The hick stands up and
yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE!  You been making smart-ass
remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!
We're not all stupid ya know!"

"Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that
little bastard sitting on your knee!"


What's the difference between a barmaid in
the evening and a barmaid at night?

A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
A barmaid at night is bare and ....

Sent by Jennifer



   The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and
my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my
   "Go on, my child," said the priest gently.
   "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand
on my....on my..."
   "Go on."
   "On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
"And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."
   "Yes, go on," the priest directed.
   "I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,"
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to
shove it in me so hard..."
   "Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.
   "And then we heard the front door slam--"
   "Oh, SHIT!!!!


There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick,
and one with a nine foot dick.
The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.
The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other
person would get splinters. 
Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl over
there? Bam. Got her." 


Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, 
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for
their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time
standing up. 
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" 
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. 
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any 
worse than it is. 
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. 
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." 
Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. 
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." 
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" 
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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