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Today's jokes [8.13.12]

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Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,
John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,
Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the
window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining
like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us
in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed
his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside
he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he
started running along side the others -- only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. 

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" 
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." 

The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?" 

Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" 

The runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" 

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." 

1. 




Gross is having to tuck your hemorrhoid into your sock so you won't step on
it when you walk.

2. 




    A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and
   says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her
   how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little
   old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is
   startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says,
   "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks
   and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of
   green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event,
   and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the
   bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady
   to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the
   little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
   "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with
   people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've
   got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls
   will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd
   be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this
   sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get
   to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing
   something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover
   that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from
   you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady
   just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can
   afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it
   your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at
   11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she
   left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger
   man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's
   office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd
   gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to
   feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened
   all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still
   nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started
   to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might
   this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of
   this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly
   understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm
   still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. "Not so fast!"
   said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things
   personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit
   flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so
   he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches
   out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your
   $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As
   she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and
   moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's
   just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for
   $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase
   Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."


3. 




Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving 
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled 
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that 
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads 
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then 
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these 
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' 
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I 
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye 
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for 
later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he 
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for 
inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you 
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

4. 




A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition
that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well,
this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And
the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up
and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all
the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week,
the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and
kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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