Today's jokes [7.7.12]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have
change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's
corridor floors, and asked him,
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sure."
The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a
superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have
change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"
A husband from Long Island, kissed his wife goodbye and got into his
Cadillac to drive to work in New York City. He'd gone about a mile when
he remembered that he'd left something in the bedroom. So he turned the
car around and drove back home.
When he walked into the bedroom, there was his wife, lying totally nude on
the bed and the neighbor standing totally nude beside her.
The quick-thinking neighbor promptly went into a squatting position on the
rug and said, "I'm glad you're here, Mr. Jones, because I was just telling
you wife that if she doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over
"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing
for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*.
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly
he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.
He stops, bangs on the window and says,"So, what does this cost ??!!".
And the hooker replies,"25 dollars !!".
And the Pollock said ,"Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter
playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What
the hell are you doing?!" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in
one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31