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Today's jokes [7.31.12]

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

1. 




Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town.  "How're
thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked.
"Not bad atall," Pete replied.  "My old woman ain't talkin' 
to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."



2. 




The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club.  "Hey, baby, 
would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly.  "I heard about you from your 
ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."

3. 




    A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
   bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the
   bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
   lawyer for my gator."


4. 




A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-
eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the 
dog up and has a good look at its eyes. 
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" 
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. 
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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