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Today's jokes [7.28.12]

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Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into
the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her!
I'd recognize her anywhere!" 

1. 




"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the
men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair
isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black." 

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
fingers. 

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly
and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And
they've only been banged once." 

2. 




A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she 
said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you 
reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.

3. 




How big is Bill Clinton's Penis? 

     Not as big as Hillary's 

4. 




How to write a paper



1.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty
    of freshly sharpened pencils.

2.  Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3.  Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
    concentrate.

4.  Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
    from class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
    both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.  If
    your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one
    of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5.  When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in
    a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6.  Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
    it.

7.  You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
    grade.  You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so
    you can concentrate.

8.  Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9.  Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's
    over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to your other favourite cd.

11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
    Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the
    university, the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place
    with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
    savorits special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
    truly worthwhile on TV.  NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than
    12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of
    the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's
    Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
    the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.  Ask who
    everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-
    coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
    with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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