Today's jokes [7.25.12]
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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his
old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
looked so down and
dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
Chris, how ya
doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
looked sad before, at
the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
sell a tractor these days
to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
soon, or else I'll lose that
dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
got it bad, I got it
worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
morning to milk
Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
sooner did I sit
down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
the rafters, and tied ol'
Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
get two squirts into the
bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
did that upset
me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
side of the milking stall,
and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
Bessy's about livid, and she
doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
hind leg. I wasn't about
to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
tied up Bessy's left leg
to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
"Well, did you finally
get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
If you can convince my
wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great
escapades. "And on the third day..." he began. "No! no! start with the
first day," Everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the
private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the
Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.S. President
has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its
first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.
To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the
Lewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:
"Divorce for Dummies"
"100 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
"How to Remove Stains"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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