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Today's jokes [7.24.12]

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   The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
   house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
   proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
   hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
   there.
   
   Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
   was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
   if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
   purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
   him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
   said "May I have one of those ?"
   
   The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
   those bastards ?"
   
   Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
   those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."


1. 




A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when 
his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop. 
He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me,
but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?" The clerk leans 
against the counter and thinks for a while. Finally he says, "Sure...that 
sounds like a fair trade." 

2. 




If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted
piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

3. 




    A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE 

   Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
   with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
   other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
   At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
   your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,
   I married the wrong man."
   Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
   and the woman gets her master's.
   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
   married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
   for it."
   Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
   doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
   countries, son.
   Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
   until I got married; and then it was too late.
   When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
   married man looks happy - we wonder why.
   Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
   man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
   and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
   neighbors listen.
   After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
   when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
   love and didn't notice it."
   A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
   received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
   have mine."
   When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
   one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
   How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
   laundry done free.
   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
   it once.
   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
   him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
   Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
   Europe. - Jackie Mason
   Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
   marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


4. 




On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily
business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star
of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the
cross wearer and the other was overlooked.
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take
off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.
"Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross
wearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!" 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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