Today's jokes [7.24.12]
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The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
said "May I have one of those ?"
The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
those bastards ?"
Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."
A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when
his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop.
He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me,
but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?" The clerk leans
against the counter and thinks for a while. Finally he says, "Sure...that
sounds like a fair trade."
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted
piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,
I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe. - Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily
business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star
of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the
cross wearer and the other was overlooked.
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take
off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.
"Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross
wearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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