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Today's jokes [7.23.12]

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves 
at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told 
that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the 
family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.
The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were 
opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.
The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.
Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent 
The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."


   There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at
   their local bar, they
   got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their
   igloos were. They could
   agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided
   to determine who,
   indeed, had the coldest igloo.
   They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
   poured a cup of
   water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the
   floor solid. "Not bad"
   said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder
   So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
   and took a big breath
   and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to
   the floor. "Wow,
   that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo
   exclaimed his was
   colder still.
   So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!"
   and went into the
   bedroom, looked under three hugh back thick furs, and retrieved one of
   several small balls
   of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a
   spoon, and held a match
   under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
   He won..............................................................


    You have to read the whole thing:

   The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
   the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
   1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
   delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
   have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
   men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
   are part of the warm welcome needed.
   2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
   when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
   be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
   a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
   3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
   the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
   toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
   will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
   you a lift too.
   4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
   hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
   change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
   see them playing the part.
   5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
   of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
   to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
   glad to see him.
   6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
   complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
   what he might have gone through that day.
   7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
   suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
   for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
   a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
   8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
   moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
   9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
   dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
   his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
   10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
   your husband can relax.
   Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
   1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
   becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
   you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
   has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
   2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
   home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
   irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
   credit card!)
   3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
   you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
   miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
   the Goodwill box in the garage.
   4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
   5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
   washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
   noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
   with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
   6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
   speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
   remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
   late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
   cooking and the cleanup.
   7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
   blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
   8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
   9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
   disposal fixed.
   10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
   that you make more money than he does.


What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?

A gentleman.


   A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
   it. He turns around to
   push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
   breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
   so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
   able to forgive me." She
   looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
   is as hard as your
   elbow, I'm in room 204."


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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