Today's jokes [7.23.12]
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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves
at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told
that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the
family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.
The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were
opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.
The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.
Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent
The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at
their local bar, they
got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their
igloos were. They could
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided
to determine who,
indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of
water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the
floor solid. "Not bad"
said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath
and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to
the floor. "Wow,
that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo
exclaimed his was
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!"
and went into the
bedroom, looked under three hugh back thick furs, and retrieved one of
several small balls
of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a
spoon, and held a match
under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
You have to read the whole thing:
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.
Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that you make more money than he does.
What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
it. He turns around to
push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 204."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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