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Today's jokes [7.19.12]

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and 
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing 
the same thing to them at funerals.

1. 




   Stolen Car
   A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
   hand. A cop on the
   beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh!
   Sssshomebody ssshtole
   my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last
   time you saw it?"
   "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if
   a bit too literally. About
   this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
   exhibited for all the
   world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are
   exposing yourself?"
   The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
   GOD . . . they
   got my girlfriend too!!!"
   


2. 




   A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the
   house. He got the outside.


3. 




Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to
mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.
"Can I see it?" asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly
dropped his pants to show off his cock.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

4. 




Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other? 

               A. Homeless.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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