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Today's jokes [7.13.12]

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The Barber Shop

   This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
   I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
   "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
   "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop
   full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
   long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
   says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
   The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,
   follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes
   back into the shop laughing hysterically.
   The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
   Bill looked up and said, "To your house."


New scientific theories

3rd RunnerUp-  Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means
the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.


Father Goose Story No. 3

A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph
the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird.  On the way he attempts to hire
porters from a tribe of Pygmys.  They warn him of the dreaded curse on all
who look upon the bird and refuse to join.  Undaunted the intrepid photographer
continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits.

After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the river.

In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and snaps off
a shot.  No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of foos
congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano.

The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing.  He frantically
tries to get the stuff off but to no avail.  Finally in desperation, he throws
himself into the river.  A large crocodile promptly eats him.

The moral?
It the foo shits, wear it.


    Fly the Friendly Skies in your Cessna
   And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?
   November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy
   pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle,
   usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the
   727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make
   a 360 in this airplane?"
   Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
   thousand dollars worth."
   November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing
   out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is
   United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go
   The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance
   to object to the impersonation.
   November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an
   exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed
   just a little too high...San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn
   right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of
   Highway 101 back to the airport."
   November 1, 1996 - Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second
   officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term
   was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the
   management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been
   browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib"
   is a castrated tomcat.
   October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right
   about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of
   airliners in order to land at Kansas City...
   KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
   o'clock and three miles.
   "Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
   KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
   o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
   "Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) "Well...
   I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a
   Chevelle, though."
   September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for
   takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
   Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way,
   as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
   the runway."
   Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
   124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
   Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we
   copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
   June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said! O'Hare Approach Control:
   "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
   United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that
   Fokker in sight."
   What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I
   know why you named your company Microsoft!


When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse? 

     Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips! 


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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