Today's jokes [7.12.12]
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Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.
Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the dumb chicken
Sent by Robbie
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
Miracle Bra Alternative
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This
does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself, asking
him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining
that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
want your breasts to
grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
your breasts for a few
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts
everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE,
SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE
A BATH." SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE
HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE SAID "WAS
I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?" SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE
DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, "YOU KNOW,
GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER."
AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "WAS
I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?" HARRIET WAS LEFT
SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF. AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID,
"THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD." "WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR
OR THE BACK DOOR?"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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