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Today's jokes [6.6.12]

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While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his 
hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man 
were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, 
ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" 
was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come 
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. 
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't 
get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor 
thing down."


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
   out some of the rules:
   "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
   the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
   this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
   He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
   be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
   Are there any questions?"
   At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
   season pass?"


O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when 
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet 
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

                           How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked.


   A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an
   elderly chinaman
   skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the
   water, the mountains
   surrounding the lake echoed back, "CHING...CHANG...CHUN..."
   The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on.
   "Oh", said the chinee, "magic spirit of the lake echo back the names
   of your ancient
   ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters".
   "Wow", said the negro, "can I try it?".
   "Certainly", replied the chinaman.
   The negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a
   mighty heave across the
   waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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