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Today's jokes [6.3.12]

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    A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
   gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
   So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
   the name of your penis?"
   The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
   The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
   tell me the name of your penis."
   So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
   beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
   left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
   The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
   a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
   A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
   fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
   right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
   1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
   Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
   with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
   "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
   The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
   asks, "Why secret?"
   The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
   woman!"


1. 




It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back
of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,
when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." 

2. 




The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day
and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his
ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me!
My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"

Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you
can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never
been in a French Whorehouse!" 

Then the fun began... 

3. 




If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes

                           How many can you solve? (Answers below)



1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified.  One member of the team precipitantly descended,
sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his
anatomical structure.  Subsequently, the second member of the team
performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken
by the first member.

2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one
researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable
to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber.  By reciprocal
arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands
under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of
the viands devoid of contents.

3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting
structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved
in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual
observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival.  Insertion into the
saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed
by removal of a drupe of genus prune.  Subsequently the subject made a
declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a
young male human.

4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity
were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an
agriculturalist's marital adjunct.  Said adjunct then performed triple
caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used
for the subdivision of edible tissue.

5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small
immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which
reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to
that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.
Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the
probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same
pathway.

6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was
questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used
for production of various types of flora. The tract components were
enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc
growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.


1.      Jack and Jill went up the hill
        To fetch a pail of water.
        Jack fell down and broke his crown,
        And Jill came tumbling after.

2.      Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
        His wife could eat no lean.
        And so.......(I don't remember the words)
        They ate the platter clean.

3.      Little Jack Horner
        Sat in the corner
        Eating his Christmas pie
        He stuck in his thumb
        And pulled out a plum
        And said "What a good boy am I!"

4.      Three blind mice, three blind mice
        See how they run, see how they run.
        They all ran after the farmer's wife
        Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
        Did you ever see such a sight in your life
        As three blind mice.

5.      Mary had a Little Lamb
        Whose fleece was white as snow.
        And everywhere that Mary went,
        The lamb was sure to go.

6.      Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
        How does your garden grow.
        With silver bells, and cockle shells
        And pretty maidens, all in a row.



4. 




"give me the bad news first."
"You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no!  What could be worse than that?"
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
"Oh.  Well, that's not so bad.  At least I don't have AIDS."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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