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Today's jokes [6.2.12]

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   Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a
   divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge,
   wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.
   
   "Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time !"


1. 




Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he 
sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That 
is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification 
Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" 
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to 
which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can 
discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" 
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the 
man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"

2. 




A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a 
magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie 
said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's 
first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** 
He was instantly transported out. He then wished 
for all the gold in the world. **POOF** 
The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the 
world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, 
etc. The man could not think of anything for his 
third wish, so he went out for a ride in his 
Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few 
minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to 
sing along: 
'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...' 


3. 




This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm  going to get a tetanus shot."

4. 




A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
   comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
   or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
   him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
   After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
   him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
   orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
   patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
   disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso
   pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
   father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
   The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his
   head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The
   father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
   chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
   By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
   down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs
   pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
   on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
   right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into
   him and kills him.
   The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
   his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
   bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
   The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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