Today's jokes [6.19.12]
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A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured
hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of
leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring
are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly
across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are
you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young
and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with
a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."
How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts."
"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a
neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed
at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey,
if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable
for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much
was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a
check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:
"Legal Consultation Service: $150."
One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.
Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.
“Fuck me” shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.
“What the fuck are you doing that for?” says Smartie.
“That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see
him, so I’m hiding from him” says Polo.
“You should stand up to him” says Smartie. “He’ll respect you more
if you do”
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.
“Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I’ll knock the fucking shit out of
you” says Polo.
“Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink” says Humbug.
“Told you so” says Smartie.
The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in
walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.
“Fuck me” shouts Polo again diving under the table.
“What the fuck are you doing that for again” says Smartie.
“I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune” says Polo.
“So what?” says Smartie.
“He’s fucking menthol” says Polo.
sent by Steve Butler
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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