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Today's jokes [6.13.12]

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Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!


    Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
   and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
   her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
   This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
   because she got a diamond ring."
   As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
   birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
   This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
   she got the gold bracelet."
   As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
   buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
   the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"


Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
"Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?"
. "Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week."
"So, Morrie," whispers Abraham "How do you start a flood?". 


                       Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail
I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately.  I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.  I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off.  But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off.  I just run them separately, and it
works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.  After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0.  He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly.  He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.  All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.  I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program.  It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system.  I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram.  Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality.  Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.  And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend.  He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.  So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.  One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus.  Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything.  Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.  I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.  Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Ideas???


A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  Was it
true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the
doctor  had prescribed was for the rest of her life?
She was told that it was.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, 
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.  This 
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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