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Today's jokes [6.10.12]

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The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of 
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors 
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to 
ICU, where therapy continues. 

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his 
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are 
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when 
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home 
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any 
physical exercise that you like." 

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his 
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no 
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to 
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard 
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on 
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just 
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything 
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." 

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his 
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no 
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription 
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart 
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, 
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron 
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's 
your wife's first name?" 

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May 


How do you break a blonde's nose?

Place a dildo under a glass table!


                            Birth of a Candy Bar
     It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.  I saw Miss
     Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
     Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
     Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
     Dollar Bar?"  Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
     and it was like Pure Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab her
     delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
     Twix had the Red Hots.  It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
     and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
     and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"  Soon she was
     fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
     before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
     the old Milky Way.  She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
     "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff."  I said "Look you little Reese's
     Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.  Why don't you take my
     Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
     of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
     you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
     up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.  Well, I was
     giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the
     Starburst!  Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
     Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.  Sure enough,
     nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and
she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

"Don't stop." 


What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment? 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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