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Today's jokes [5.5.12]

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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. 

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." 

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

1. 




Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local
minister  comes walking around the corner.
The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that
sheep  a beating.  You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I 
tried to mount her!

2. 




A little girl was walking along a beach in California when
she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper
covering his genitals.
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.
"Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency
help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening
to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just
before I fell asleep." 
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was
still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened
to that nice man you saw here earlier?"
"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little
bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,
broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" 

3. 




A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a
cell with a huge evil looking guy.
The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or 
the wife?"
The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess 
I'd rather be the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

4. 




What is the last thing to go through the mind
of a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?

It's ass.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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