Today's jokes [5.31.12]
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question,
but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi,
told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of
the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman,
about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding
night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to
your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with
friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be
seen and the card players continued without any further
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a
peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her head
stuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the
"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and
starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When
he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants
some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs
down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he
was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a
mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the
guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting
out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said.
"oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited
for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As
he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and
then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?"
He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind
him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then
the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up
with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in
a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.."Would you mind taking
my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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