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Today's jokes [5.24.12]

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Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? 

A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.
If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit. 

1. 




Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,
were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that
Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to
limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot
answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap
of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes
on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat
on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And
the idiot went to Heaven.

2. 




Q: Who makes more money, a whore or a drug pusher?
A: The whore because she can lick her crack and use it again.


3. 




A secretary, who works in an office with my daughter's friend, 
Commented at lunch that it was such a shame that the spice 
girls couldn't stay together considering they are sisters and all. 
There was silence for a bit, then someone told her that they 
weren't sisters. She said, " Of course they are, they have the 
same last name." She Has unofficially been named "Dumb 
Spice"



4. 




A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,"what the hell was that?". The truck driver
replies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep."
Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"some kinda animal again."
Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"Some bastard!". "How terrible",says the hitch-hiker, "but there were
3 bangs"
The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the bastard. . ."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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