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Today's jokes [5.21.12]

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   Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
   work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
   on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
   
   The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
   You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
   
   The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
   and everything inside is color-coded."
   
   The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
   spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are
   interchangeable."
   


1. 




What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? 

     Pull the pin and throw it back.

2. 




During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed
a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune
for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he
does."
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do
you think was bidding against you?"

3. 




   A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford
   the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
   
   Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't
   afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
   
   Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes
   on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out
   of the farmer's price range.
   
   Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything
   else?"
   
   Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough
   to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs
   out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields
   and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll
   get them pregnant."
   
   Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"
   
   Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
   day."
   
   So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put
   the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later
   that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the
   next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and
   drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking
   around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes
   back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week
   and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks
   his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
   
   Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"
   
   Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back
   of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."
   


4. 




A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked
why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes,
sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous
place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called
Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to
bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and
let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got
strength but no length."  Another man says to the lady,
"Take your hand off my trick!"
"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for
one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her
honor. Another lady said, "Now it's time for me to play with
your husband and you can play with mine."
"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I
hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll
go home now. This is the last rubber"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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