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Today's jokes [5.19.12]

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    Embarrassing moments The following are the top three
   winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.

   1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
   release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
   hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
   patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*,
   she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
   in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I
   will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
   "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
   tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
   dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
   thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
   * Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
   2)"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
   but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
   girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
   making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
   girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
   didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When
   we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
   whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts,
   uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
   My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
   for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
   planned a surprise party again." * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
   3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she
   finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
   no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
   intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON
   LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
   the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
   "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
   intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
   KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"


1. 




A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside 
the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most 
attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed 
her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he 
said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help 
produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As 
a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward 
his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

2. 




                        How To Give Your Cat a Pill
     
   
1.  Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
    if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
    kitty."  Drop pill into its mouth.
2.  Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3.  Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
    hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
    mouth with right forefinger.
4.  Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
    to get new cat.)
5.  Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
    over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
    mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
    your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
    doing. That's just as well.
6.  Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.  If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.  Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
    and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
    anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9.  This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
    claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
    floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
    woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
    at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
  


3. 




   A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I
   was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the
   tiny ones for $10."
   
   Husband: "What about one my size?"
   
   Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
   
   Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd
   had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight
   ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
   
   Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
   
   Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
   


4. 




What is the difference between boogers and spinach?

                    You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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