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Today's jokes [5.12.12]

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Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor.
"I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it."
"Ridiculous," said the doctor. "you'd never know if you had the
disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any
kind."
"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms." 

1. 




One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a 
woman gain five pounds.

2. 




Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag 
over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. 
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good 
time?
"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."
"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck 
to the ceiling!"

3. 




Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone. 

4. 




TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage...
   Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
   heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
   just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
   explains that he must not be in tune
   with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
   is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
   So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
   walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
   can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
   go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
   the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
   is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
   care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
   don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
   wife is jumping up and
   down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
   am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
   The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
   stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
   this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
   explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
   financial needs as a Man!!!"
  
   TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK
   What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the
   Oregon-California border.
   LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
   LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
   MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
   DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
   MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
   FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
   RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
   HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
   PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
   WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
   SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
   BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
   MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
   MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
   DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
   LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
   KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
   SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
   MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
   MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
   PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
   ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
   RANDOM ACCESS
   MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore
   wife asks
   MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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