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Today's jokes [4.9.12]

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Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation 
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says 
"We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm 
method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer 
method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others 
ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We 
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and 
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from 
under him."

1. 




Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.  He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

2. 




Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If so, have 
I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water soluble, 
crystalline red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and wait for them to 
take a leak. (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it goes in, and people have 
a tendancy to get really nervous when they start peeing what they think is 
blood! 

3. 




   A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor
   invites her in to sit down.
   
   "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious
   problems."
   
   "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my
   child and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
   
   "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "And it hasn't got any arms either."
   
   "What?"
   
   "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In
   fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
   
   "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.
   I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."
   
   "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."
   


4. 




Hillary and Chelsea were having a deep dish heart
to heart talk about Chelsea's college experiences. 

Hillary:  So have you found dating to be fullflling
          experience? 

Chelsea:  It's okay..but i don't like how the boys
          sometimes act like real sex hounds. 

Hillary:  Well, uh, have you, uh, actually had sex? 

Chelsea:  Well Mom, no, not IF you define sex the
          way Daddy does. 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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