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Today's jokes [4.5.12]

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   The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
   commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
   up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
   the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
   center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
   cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
   aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
   covered with huge sunglasses.
   At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
   sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
   spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
   passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
   themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
   reassurance.
   Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
   panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
   and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
   more hysterical.
   Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
   is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
   once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
   airborne.
   Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
   the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
   to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"


1. 




A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
fucking hideous that no one will associate with
me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" 

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better
about themselves is my area of expertise. I can
start making you feel more confident about your
appearance right here and now." 

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?"
she asked. 

"First things first. Just walk over to the other
side of the room and lie face down on my couch." 

2. 




                             State of Arkansas
                                      
                           Residency Application
     
   
   Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob
             (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                           (_) Billy-Ray
                           (_) Billy-Sue
                           (_) Billy-Mae
                           (_) Billy-Jack
                           (Check appropriate box)

   Age: ____
   Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
   Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

   Occupation:
   (_) Farmer
   (_) Mechanic
   (_) Hair Dresser
   (_) Un-employed

   Spouse's Name: 

   Relationship with spouse:
   (_) Sister
   (_) Brother
   (_) Aunt
   (_) Uncle
   (_) Cousin
   (_) Mother
   (_) Father
   (_) Son
   (_) Daughter
   (_) Pet

   Number of children living in household: ___

   Number that are yours: ___

   Mother's Name: 

   Father's Name:  (If not sure, leave blank)

   Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

   Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

   ___ Total number of vehicles you own
   ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
   ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
   ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
   ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

   Firearms you own and where you keep them:
   ____ truck
   ____ bedroom
   ____ bathroom
   ____ kitchen
   ____ shed

   Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

   Do you have a gun rack?
   (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



   Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
   (_) The National Enquirer
   (_) The Globe
   (_) TV Guide
   (_) Soap Opera Digest
   (_) Rifle and Shotgun

   ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

   How often do you bathe:
   (_)Weekly
   (_)Monthly
   (_)Not Applicable

   Color of teeth:
   (_)Yellow
   (_)Brownish-Yellow
   (_)Brown
   (_)Black
   (_)N/A

   Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
   (_)Red-Man

   How far is your home from a paved road?
   (_)1 mile
   (_)2 miles
   (_)don't know
  


3. 




   Want some chicken?

   A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running
   along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with
   him because he was doing 50 MPH.
   He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He
   speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed
   the
   chicken had three legs.
   So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got
   out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked
   the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"
   The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three
   legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how
   they tasted.
   The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
   


4. 




How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick
.as I beat my wife!


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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