Today's jokes [4.5.12]
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The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
fucking hideous that no one will associate with
me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better
about themselves is my area of expertise. I can
start making you feel more confident about your
appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?"
"First things first. Just walk over to the other
side of the room and lie face down on my couch."
State of Arkansas
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(Check appropriate box)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
(_) Hair Dresser
Relationship with spouse:
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
Color of teeth:
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
Want some chicken?
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running
along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with
him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He
speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed
chicken had three legs.
So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got
out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked
the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three
legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how
The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick
….as I beat my wife!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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