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Today's jokes [4.4.12]

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So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that
things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be
on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist,
expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the
drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around
furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!" 

1. 




A man went to his dentist because he feels something
wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,
"that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is
eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all
I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made
some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put
it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is
highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make
you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why
chrome?" asks the patient. 

To which the dentist replies,
"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like
chrome for the Hollandaise!"

2. 




   There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of
   control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a
   while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well...  what
   about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?"
   
   "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her
   hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.
   
   His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in
   unison.
   
   "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight
   like a man !' " he admitted.


3. 




A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen
seated there are furiously masturbating.
She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are
all berry hungry."
The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in
the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other Japanese men replies,
"The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"


4. 




"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be?  What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures.  That's what I did!  I took 
measures and then went with the biggest."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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