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Today's jokes [4.27.12]

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Condom Modelling Rejection



                    TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY

                  6969 Slippery Root Drive
                    Droptrouser, NC 22269


Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model 
and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors 
feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray 
a positive, romantic image for our product.  A loose baggy and wrinkled 
condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even 
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken.  We would like 
to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a 
bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time.  We will retain your 
application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a 
market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.


Yours very truly,

Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abc

P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!



1. 




The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

     Sir,
     It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
     wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
     next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

     Dear Sir,
     I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
     scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium. 

2. 




A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher 
asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, 
"Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell 
before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, 
"Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." 

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."  

3. 




   The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so
   they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on
   the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths
   together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard
   to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that
   we're finally married Kenny."
   
   After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the
   dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can
   all get some sleep ???"


4. 




How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?



        Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
        timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
        ing agreement:

        Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
        and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",
        do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
        of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
        position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
        duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-
        tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
        entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
        area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
        illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-
        tween the parties.

        The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
        limited to, the following steps:

        1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
        elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
        any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-
        negotiable.  Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second
        part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
        part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the
        first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
        party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-
        mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
        perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
        foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that
        structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and
        in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
        blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
        is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
        (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
        (Lawyer) throughout.

        2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
        ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
        the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
        Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
        and federal statutes.

        3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
        of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
        installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
        This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
        reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
        same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
        occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
        negotiable.

        NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
        of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
        first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
        persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
        produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
        the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with
        maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth
        part, also known as "The Firm".



5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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