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Today's jokes [4.26.12]

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The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she 
might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" 
embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm 
quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script 
letters?" "Braille," she replied.

1. 




A man walks into a shoe store... 
 ...and tries on a pair of shoes. 
 "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. 
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man. 
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the
mans feet. 
"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk. 
Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

2. 




Chain Letter Type IV

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to every one of your
friends.

Friends
- A friend is someone who is always at your side,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
   your loser life,
- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
   you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - A
friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets
  the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's   
 the cleaning lady,

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in
your sleep!!

There.   Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part.  In order for this to get any popularity,
send it on!!!  If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but
otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!  If you don't, I don't
care.  Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.

TRASH IT!!!  If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget
to delete the chain letter part.  But if it's gonna make people feel guilty 
(i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e.
Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.

Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to 
BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!"  Thank you.

3. 




Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. 
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one 
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

4. 




A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The
doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was
an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit
suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a
minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin
it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a
minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to
ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a
minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So
then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is
going to be loud!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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