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Today's jokes [4.20.12]

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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get
one.
 
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice
versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got
another license.
 
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in
the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
 
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and
any children you might have would be technical bastards."
 
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

1. 




A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that
at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever
seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have
her....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any
Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes
back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he
says to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but
this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get
her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the man
forks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a
champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his
compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather
disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her
barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most
seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically
excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders
and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his
neck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

2. 




Psychiatric Hotline



If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
   Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
   you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No
   one will answer.

3. 




   The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
   to be direct about
   it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and
   said,"Hey, honey,
   whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
   She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
   


4. 




A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping 
disorder. 
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start 
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in
such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." 
The psychiatrist replies: 
"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?" 

Sent by Yasha

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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