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Today's jokes [4.18.12]

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She: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?"

He: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind." 

1. 




APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
     
NAME:  Greg Bulmash
     
DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's 
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying 
here in the first place.
     
DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael 
Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer 
and we can haggle.
     
EDUCATION:  Yes.
     
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.
     
SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
     
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and 
post-it notes.
     
REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
    
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
     
PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
     
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a 
more intimate environment.
    
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
    
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?
     
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
     
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
     
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
     
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with 
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing 
since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
     
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR 
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
     
SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.


Sent by Alex

2. 




A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken 
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" 
replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off 
his secretary."

3. 




Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe
the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

4. 




To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells 
her it'll make her fat. “I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. 
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. “If I bite my 
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" “You'll be fatter than 
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a 
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's 
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this 
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, “Excuse me, 
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you've 
been doing..."

Sent by Max

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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