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Today's jokes [4.17.12]

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As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time
excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump 
School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

1. 




Weight Control



Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
   (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350



2. 




The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know
how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I
ought to aggravate anybody!"

3. 




   A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
   anniversary. As the couple
   reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the
   husband, "When you
   first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your
   mind?"
   The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,
   and suck your tits
   dry."
   Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
   He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
   


4. 




Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory?

She threw away all the w's.


Sent by Chris

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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