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Today's jokes [4.15.12]

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A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a
blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..
woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are
only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the
same price."

The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"

1. 




What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?

Don't you think were taking this thing a little too fast?

2. 




The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His 
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as 
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met 
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and 
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we 
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why 
are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had 
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking 
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How 
come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 
times a day for four days and not look like this."



3. 




   A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours
   to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long
   cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only
   had 24 hours to live.
   
   "Of course Darling," she replied.
   
   And so they have sex.
   
   Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and
   says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do
   it again?"
   
   Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
   
   Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He
   taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only
   have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
   
   By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
   
   After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps
   her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering
   you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it
   one more time?"
   
   She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You
   know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"
   


4. 




This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above 

"You will live to be 100." 

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." 

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! 

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. 

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. 

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?". 

God said: "I didn't recognize you". 


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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