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Today's jokes [4.10.12]

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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


1. 




   A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
   husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
   to be buried in a dark blue suit.
   
   He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
   that he's wearing?"
   
   But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
   check to buy one.
   
   When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
   and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
   much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
   
   He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
   happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
   wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
   asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
   a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
   heads."
   


2. 




The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for 
a rape suspect. When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy 
shouts,"That's her! That's her!"

3. 




What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

4. 




   Footless Parrot

   A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
   communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
   thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
   specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
   notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
   onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
   is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
   The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
   I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
   The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
   The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
   If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
   The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
   comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
   won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
   home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
   and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
   The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
   came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
   her right on the lips."
   The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
   The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
   did??!"
   The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
   on her breasts."
   The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
   The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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