Today's jokes [4.10.12]
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for
a rape suspect. When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy
shouts,"That's her! That's her!"
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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