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Today's jokes [3.8.12]

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The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.
So was all of Arkansas. 

1. 




After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old 
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As 
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her 
patience grew thin.  At last she threw a towel around her head 
and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern 
warnings.  As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old 
say with a trembling voice,  "Who was *that*?"

2. 




A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. 
Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. 
Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.  Without preamble the hooker
says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's
for a hand job."  "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man
exclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"  The hooker
summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. 
"See that cherry red Maserati down there?  I own that because of what I can
do with my hands."  Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and
sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual
experience of his life.  After he recuperates he says to  the hooker, "God
that was fantastic!!  How much for a blowjob?"  "$2500," the hooker replied. 
"$2500 for a blowjob?"  Cried the astonished man.  "That's way too much!" 
Again the hooker summons the man to the window,  this time  pointing across
the street.  "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? 
I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,
"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."  Once again the hooker
takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure
he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. 
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know.  How much
do you get for pussy?"  The hooker drags the man to the window for a third
time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on
the corner?  I could own that if I had a pussy!"

Sent by TJ

3. 




Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..." 

4. 




A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa
application. The border official look s over his shoulder,
and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into
the small space labeled 'SEX'. 

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we
mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." 

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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