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Today's jokes [3.29.12]

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Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.


1. 




   The Young Man's Big Mouth
   A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
   the condoms
   come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
   "Well," he said, "I've
   been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the
   condoms because I think
   tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
   we're going out. And
   I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me,
   she'll want me all the
   time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his
   purchaseand leaves.
   Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
   parents. He asks if he
   might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
   continues praying for
   several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that
   you were such a
   religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
   that your father is a
   pharmacist."
   


2. 




Dec. 8   5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow, the first of
     the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
     by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
     to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

 Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
     white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
     Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
     I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
     I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
     snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
     compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
     I shoveled it again.

 Dec. 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
     well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely
     winter is over.

 Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
     dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
     driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
     trick again.

 Dec. 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could
     get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.

 Dec. 18 - Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
     to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
     damn sky is getting dark again.

 Dec. 19 - Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
     very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's
     car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She's pissed-off.

 Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
     night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
     snowplow came by twice.

 Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because
     another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
     freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed
     up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
     jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc...) then got the urge to
     pee.

 Dec 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
     that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
     I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
     finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
     an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.

 Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS... they predict 12 more inches of
     the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
     damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
     Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The
     snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
     with my ice axe.

 Dec. 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
     or have a severe case of depression.

 Dec. 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
     cave-in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.

 Dec. 30 - I torched the damned house ... moving back to
     Florida!

3. 




   A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during
   the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that
   the town was populated solely by men.
   
   He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the
   urge for a woman?"
   
   The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go
   git us one."
   
   "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
   
   After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He
   decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these
   yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the
   bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china
   plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
   
   After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a
   drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.
   The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys
   turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
   
   The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm
   some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm
   just doing it with more class."
   
   "That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's
   gal you're with."
   


4. 




Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said,
"You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!"
The second girl asked, "What's a patio?" 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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