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Today's jokes [3.21.12]

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Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?

It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.

1. 




1)  Got a neighbor that's a real pain in the ass?  Do they have a
    lawn? Do they have a garden that's accessible?  Yes to all the
    above? Great!  Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill
    the suckers hose with the stuff.  Then sit back and wait for them
    water their lawn!  Nuff said?

2)  Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine?  If
    so, have I got one for you!  Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water
    soluble, crystalline, red dye.  Mix some into the persons wine and
    wait for them to take a leak.  (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it
    goes in, and people have a tendancy to get really nervous when they
    start pissing what they think is blood!

3)  (I'm surprised nobody mentioned this one yet.)  Go to a pet shop and
    buy a fancy looking pet collar and leash.  Then, the next time you
    see a dead animal in the road, attach the leash and collar setup
    to its neck.  Attach the whole thing to revengees rear bumper, making
    sure to toss dead animal under the car so it won't be seen.  When
    revengee drives away, chances are he/she will be stopped by either a cop
    or a member of some animal lovers group for draggin some poor defenseless
    pet down the road.  Either way, they are gonna have some awful quick
    explaining to do!

4)  Last, but certainly not least, is a great stink bomb.  This one takes
    a bit of time for preparation, so it's not too good for spontaneous
    revenge.  (But it's worth the time!)  Get a quart jar with a rubber seal.
    (Mason jars work quite well.)  Pour about 1/4 to 1/2 inch of crystal Drano
    along with about an inch or so of warm water into the jar.  Place the
    lid on the jar and allow the mixture to sit in a warm place for about an
    hour.  Take the lid off and add six egg whites, (no yokes).  Add a quarter
    cup of Methylene Blue, then fill the jar to within an inch of the top
    with water.  Seal the jar tightly and allow to sit for four to six weeks.
    (I warned you it takes a while!)  When the 'bomb' is ready to use, you
    can either throw it like a molitov(sp?) cocktail, or shake it up and
    pour the contents out, making damn sure you don't get any on yourself.
    The results have to be seen, or is that smelled, to be beleived!



2. 




A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after
the doctor examined him, he told the man he had
some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have
cancer" 

3. 




If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,
what have you usually done wrong? 

     Made her chain too long. 

4. 




A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were
arguing as to which profession was older.
     "Well," argued the doctor, "without a
physician mankind could not have survived, so I am
sure that mine is the oldest profession."
     "No," said the engineer, "before life began
there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer
to create some semblance of order from this chaos.
So engineering is older."
     "But," chirped the triumphant politician,
"who created the chaos?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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